Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
