My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
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