"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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