I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
