according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
