I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
