You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
