I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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