i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
