Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
