I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
