This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Randomize
