I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
