I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
