Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
