if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
