I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
