I am puke
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
