Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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