Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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