Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
