i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
