on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
