just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
