He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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