Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My vagina just recognized that song.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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