If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize