fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
