there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
