So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Life is so much better after having sex.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
