My sheets look like a crime scene.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
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