I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
