Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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