Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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