he wants to bone in the snuggie
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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