My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize