i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
