plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He felt like a one man threesome
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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