Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize