my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
