I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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