so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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