Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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