I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
