I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
