when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
