your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Randomize
