im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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