We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
