worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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