i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
