You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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