so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize