Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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