Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
