if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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